The Steady Stream of Discontent

What do you do when you love so much and the one you love injures others so much? Do you remain silent or do you try to positively input so they somehow will get the message? What do you do? Positiveness and pointing the direction rather than clearly stating the problems hasn’t worked, so what do you do?

I took a lesson from God, speak directly from love to the ones and their problem in such a way it is clear, concise and points the way forward. Then the response is the choice of the listener. We have forgotten how to hear the Spirit in the other, their words and their heart; regardless of the vessel who speaks and the rough manner delivered. We say God I’ll only hear those who speak in the positive manner I like. Instead we hear through our biases and process through our ever refining filters to ensure that only what is acceptable to us is heard. Of course if it is not couched in positiveness it must be wrong! So a lot of Pentecostal pastors preach these days. Their prophets preach ‘encouraging’ words tickling the ears of a people who love it so; well most love the status quo. There are some who weep for something more; usually they know not what.

The prophets who spoke God’s words in the Old Testament and the God who walked this earth had hard words for such religious people and pretenders who claimed to be the mouth piece of the Almighty. They paid a heavy price for not hearing what the Spirit was speaking – their religion they were protecting and their position they were so zealous in keeping was taken away from them, obliterated for nearly two thousand years. Remember who He is and who He cares for. He has come to His Church, a whip in one hand and soothing oil of peace in the other for those who would hear His voice, follow Him.

The issue is love. What do you love? Look well at your life – what consumes you is what you find important. Love decides importance because we give ourselves to what we believe and value. Importance is decided by what you give priority to. Priority is decided by what you allow to interupt what you are doing!

One can only wonder what would have been the result if Judaism had heard the voice of her Messiah?

I now have many times more once super-commited friends who were super-involved with institutional church who are not attending organised religion than those who are still attending. Of those still attending most sit quietly frustrated on the pew crying with heart felt yearning, “There has to be something more? Surely God you didn’t mean us to be like this?”

No, He didn’t mean for us to be merely grist for someone’s mill of ambition or fodder for someone else’s vision.

I am not God … that sets me Free

Today is a special day for me.

Four days ago I turned 65, went onto the aged Pension and semi-retirement. I am not morose, down or even asking questions “What is life about?” or “God where are you in my life?” Neither do I consider I am passed it (whatever ‘it’ is); been there done that in days gone by.

Yes I do wonder where the years have gone. How human is that? I trust I am.

Yes many years were bad years; many bad moments; you don’t get to 65 without some pain in the journey. The journey for too many years were far too painful. I became a broken man barely trudging through life doing what I had to do for my two kids. In the midst of that pain I did ask where the church was; how come those who were supposed to love were absent? How come the world stood by me when the church was so vindictive, so judgmental and so lacking in its necessary character that it abandoned me and my two beautiful children to evil.

Yes life wasn’t good for some years. Thank God He is who He is! He was there for us. He does what none other can do. He restored and is restoring me and my two children.

The devastation came from the woman I loved; the mother of my two children. I trusted that even though we had problems we could sought them out. Unfortunately that never happened. Then anger grew in me as I struggled to be who I am as I slowly died within grasping for hope that was no longer there; laughter left, love of life died a dreadful death; my sense of calling and purpose in God lay in ashes. Subtlety my love for people died as betrayal after betrayal morosely filled my soul with bitterness. I became the man I hated. Hope left somewhere between slanders and  deprivations.

I couldn’t see how I could survive. “Was life supposed to be like this?” “Was I supposed be cast adrift in a sea of loneliness and despair? No one caring.”  You know a woman is supposed to love her man, have affection for him. As I recall the years of living with someone who couldn’t love I realise I at times was most unloving; yet I grew; I came through as a friend once said “This too will pass.” He was right. At the time I couldn’t see that it would  or I could.

The worse thing about these years is the damage done to my two beautiful children; as I saw the demonic scar and mar them; as I saw them change, become more less than they are; to see choices made that are not good, knowing that evil fruit awaits that will further scar and mar. Yes grief for them and their future filled my soul in days passed. Now they are in His hands when I can no longer be there for them; to stroke their brow, to hold them when this world deals them a bad hand. They are in safe hands; the same hands who have held me these years.

Life hasn’t been easy until recently. Oh I still struggle and there is the loneliness which after 10 years has returned; but it is serving a purpose. Also it is an indicator of life pulsating once again. Hope comes in different ways.

Yes I could dwell on loneliness and anomie but what for. He is there; that is enough for me.

HHMM! Instead I find myself grateful thanking God for His goodness to me. I have a govie unit, a part time job I love which supplements my income and needs. A part time ministry I enjoy being with students, being there for them. I have a close knit group of friends and two wonderful children – absent as they are at the moment out finding their purpose in life. How good is that? Thank you Lord; When I couldn’t you have. Thanks.

As I look back over my life I find many things that have formed me and made me into a man; I love being who I am. Yes I have a lot to be thankful for. Most in our world don’t have what I have.

Today is special because I realise after all these years laughter returns to my soul, my natural jolly demeanour is being restored, I can laugh again; life has turned from shades of grayness to emerging colours. People still drain my emotional and mental reserves but that is changing too. Life looks good in this new year; He is in it with me. He makes the difference as I forget those things that are behind I look ahead at the high calling of God. That gives hope. He loves me.

It is good. Thank you Lord.

“I am not God

That sets me free to be

The person God would be

If He were me“

Uniting Church Pastor’s wife in 1984 Sydney – Unknown author